Life's a Witch Read online

  Life’s a Witch

  New Orleans Nocturnes Book 3

  Carrie Pulkinen

  This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons living or dead, business establishments, events, or locales, is entirely coincidental.

  Life’s a Witch

  COPYRIGHT © 2020 by Carrie Pulkinen

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews.

  Contact Information: www.CarriePulkinen.com

  Cover Art by Rebecca Poole of Dreams2Media

  Edited by Krista Venero of Mountains Wanted

  First Edition, 2020

  Contents

  Introduction

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  Chapter 5

  Chapter 6

  Chapter 7

  Chapter 8

  Chapter 9

  Chapter 10

  Chapter 11

  Chapter 12

  Chapter 13

  Love & Ghosts

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  Also by Carrie Pulkinen

  About the Author

  Crimson Oliver is a bad witch.

  She's not wicked, but every spell she tries to cast goes awry in one way or another. After her last screw-up, the high priestess has threatened to bind her powers and turn her human for good.

  Crimson's solution? Challenge the priestess to a battle of magic she can't possibly win.

  Not without a miracle, anyway.

  Enter hotter-than-hellfire demon Mike Cortez. He's a devil's advocate who can make anyone's dreams come true…for a price. He's had his eye on the seductive witch for a while, and Satan is in the market for a new assistant.

  But Mike wants to date her, not damn her.

  When he accidentally makes a deal condemning Crimson to an eternity of satanic servitude, they'll have to go to hell and back to outsmart the devil and save the witch's soul.

  Ride along on a journey from the Big Easy to the underworld and back again in this fast, steamy romantic comedy!

  Chapter One

  Crimson Oliver was a bad witch. Not bad as in wicked. She wasn’t green—most witches weren’t—and she didn’t run around cackling at little girls, telling them she’d get them and their little dogs too.

  She didn’t ride a broom, and though she’d inquired about an army of flying monkeys, her request was ignored. No, Crimson didn’t have a wicked bone in her body, but she was bad.

  “Bad” as in nearly every spell she tried to cast went awry in some way or another, and that self-proclaimed “badness” was what had landed her in the hot seat in front of the entire Council of Elders in the New Orleans Coven of Witches.

  Crimson sat in a straight-backed wooden chair, facing a long, rectangular table that occupied a two-foot-tall platform in the great room of a nineteenth-century mansion. Four elders flanked the high priestess perched in a burgundy velvet armchair at the center of the table. At five-foot-four with a stocky build, the priestess Rosemary wore her dark brown hair woven into long braids that cascaded down to her waist, and her eyes held contempt as she waited for the rest of the high-ranking witches in the coven to file into the room.

  Tugging at the neck of her sweater, Crimson tried to alleviate the warmth her nerves were producing. It didn’t help that the thermostat was set to eighty-five degrees.

  She knew this trick. Every witch who’d ever screwed up knew Rosemary liked to turn up the heat—literally—just to watch the accused sweat.

  What Crimson didn’t know was why. Rosemary was the most powerful witch in the coven. Sure, her moral compass could have used some fine-tuning, but her position of high priestess granted her powers no other witch could achieve, no matter how much they practiced. Powers like the ability to bind another witch’s magic, rendering her nothing more than human. She had everything a witch could want, so why did she take pleasure in tormenting her people?

  Because she’s a witch with a capital B. That’s why.

  As the last person entered the chamber, the door thudded shut, and Willow, a lanky blonde with icy blue eyes who sat to the left of the priestess, lifted her head. “Crimson Oliver, please stand.”

  Crimson turned her head slowly to the right and then the left before pressing her hand to her chest and mouthing the word me? She sat alone in the center of the room, for goddess’ sake. It wasn’t as if no one could tell who was being accused. The only reason they wanted her to stand was to increase the pressure, hoping she’d crack under the weighted gazes of all those high-ranking witches.

  But Crimson was the queen of pressure. Her misfiring magic had landed her in enough sticky situations that she picked up everything but money and men. Pressure. Ha! She was like an Instant Pot on steroids when it came to pressure. She’d found herself in plenty of trouble more times than she could count, but she always found her way out of it. Well, almost always.

  Willow blew out a hard breath through her nose. “Please stand so you may hear the charges brought against you.”

  “How will standing improve my hearing?”

  The blonde witch’s mouth fell open as she looked at the priestess, and Crimson rose to her feet. That was enough pushing back for now. She rested one hand on her hip and scanned the faces of her jury. Agatha’s green eyes held concern, but Fern, the red-headed fauna witch, took resting bitch face to a whole new level.

  Laila, the coven’s second-in-command and advisor to the priestess, rose to her feet. Her curly black hair spilled over her shoulders, and sympathy filled her gaze as she locked eyes with Crimson. “Your charges are as follows: one, lying under oath when questioned about the disappearance of werewolf Jackson Altuve; two, reckless and intentionally harmful use of magic when you cast a spell you were unable to break; three, conspiring with the werewolves to cover up your misdeeds.”

  Laila pressed her lips together and shook her head. “If found guilty, the high priestess recommends the binding of your powers indefinitely. How do you plead?”

  Crimson swallowed hard, lifting her chin in defiance to maintain her composure. “I’m innocent, of course.”

  The high priestess finally spoke, “Your boyfriend broke up with you, so you turned him into a cat. I’d hardly call that innocent.”

  That was so not how it happened. Crimson moved her other hand to her hip. “Did Jackson tell you that?”

  “My information comes from his relative and was confirmed by the pack’s alpha.”

  “Did they also tell you it was an accident? Because it was.” Well, the actual turning him into a cat part was no accident. It had been part of a sex game they were playing: the wicked witch turns her familiar human and has her way with him. She turned Jax into a cat, easy peasy. The problem arose when she tried to change him into human form again.

  Rosemary lifted one shoulder in a dismissive shrug. “Accident or no, you used your magic maliciously against another supe.”

  “I did no such thing.”

  Laila cleared her throat. “We’ve heard the accusations. Let’s address them one at a time and give Crimson the opportunity to defend herself.”

  She crossed her arms. “Yes. Let’s.”

  Rosemary clamped her mouth shut, nodding, and Laila continued, “Did you or did you not lie under oath about Jackson’s disappearance?”

  “I did not.” Crimson lowered into the chair and crossed her legs. “The specific questions asked were whether or not I kidnapped Jackson or put a curse on his pack. I did neither of those things. Ja
ckson stayed with me willingly for fear of ridicule if he returned to his pack in cat form. The so-called curse the questioning referred to involved the wolves being force-shifted at seemingly random times. I had no idea my attempts to change Jax back into his human form were affecting the other wolves, so no, I didn’t lie about either of those things.”

  Laila nodded. “The Council has reviewed the questions and answers provided. I move to dismiss the charge of lying under oath. All those in favor?”

  Everyone on the platform raised their hand, except Rosemary, of course, who made being in the coven feel like living inside the movie Mean Girls. Crimson suppressed a smile as she imagined dragging her chair up to the platform just so the priestess would say, “You can’t sit with us.”

  “Moving on to charge number two: reckless and intentionally harmful use of magic.” Laila scanned the paper on the table. “Did you or did you not turn the werewolf into a cat when he threatened to break up with you?”

  “No.” Crimson clenched her teeth. If she was going to get out of this with her magic intact, she’d have to throw Jax under the bus. Sure, he might be humiliated when the truth came out, but it was better than being turned human.

  “So you didn’t turn Jackson Altuve into a cat?”

  “Oh, I did, but he agreed to it.”

  Fern’s brows disappeared into her bangs, and Agatha’s eyes widened.

  Sorry, Jax. There’s no way around it. Anyway, he said he’d call her, but he never did. Served him right. “It was a sex game.”

  Snickering sounded from the witches behind her, and Willow’s cheeks turned pink. As Crimson explained what happened, the murmur in the audience grew louder. She twisted in her chair to stare daggers at the people making fun of her. “If you find it that amusing, I can’t imagine how boring your sex lives must be.”

  Mouths fell open, and several people gasped. Crimson smirked and turned her attention back to Laila. “Intentionally harmful? Absolutely not. Reckless?” She cast her gaze to the ceiling for a moment and pursed her lips. “Not reckless, either. We planned it. The spell went wrong, that’s all.” It happened all the time. Crimson was bad at being a witch, but that was her lot in life, and she’d rather build on it than leave it empty.

  Rosemary slapped her palm on the table. “And that was your third strike.”

  “I fixed it, so it doesn’t count.”

  “It does.”

  “Let’s move on to the final charge.” Laila’s soothing voice broke the tension. “Did you conspire with the werewolves to cover up your misdeed? A Sophie Burroughs to be specific?”

  “Sophie wasn’t a werewolf when I discussed the situation with her. She didn’t become one until the entire ordeal ended.” Thank the goddess they didn’t ask about her boyfriend, Trace. He actually was a werewolf at the time. “In fact, Sophie was a witch with bound powers. If this coven were the welcoming place it used to be, we might have been able to help her.”

  The priestess narrowed her eyes. “You can skirt around the edges of these accusations all you want. It doesn’t change the fact that you’re an incompetent witch who’s a danger to herself and others. You’ve already shrunk a politician’s penis to the size of a Vienna sausage and made a priest speak all his thoughts aloud. Now you’ve almost caused a war between the witches and the werewolves. We can’t risk you having powers.”

  Laila came to her defense. “She did remedy the situation without the help of the council this time. I vote she gets one more chance.”

  The other witches nodded their agreement, and Rosemary’s face pinched. “Without the help of the council, maybe, but not without the help of another witch. A dead one.”

  The whispering behind her grew into a murmur, and Crimson shot to her feet. “It’s true. I needed to channel the magic of a fauna witch, so I convinced a necromancer to summon the spirit of a powerful one. With her assistance, I solved the problem without inconveniencing the coven in the slightest.”

  Rosemary stood, leaning her hands on the table and looming her authority over the coven. “We almost went to war for your incompetence.”

  “You’d love a war. You get off on all this power; everyone can see that. You’re high priestess over a coven that cowers beneath your rule.”

  Straightening, Rosemary clasped her hands and nodded slowly. “Your inability to break the spell on your own is a symbol of your ineptitude. As high priestess of this coven, I demand your powers be bound at once.” She cast her gaze to the witches on her right, then her left. “Does anyone oppose?”

  Laila inhaled as if she were about to come to Crimson’s defense, but much like Gretchen Weiners, the second-ranking Mean Girl in the clique, she kept her mouth shut to avoid being pounded by the bully.

  Crimson’s heart plopped into her stomach like a Mentos into a bottle of Diet Coke, and she swallowed the bitterness creeping up the back of her throat. “You can’t be serious. No one opposes this?”

  Every member of the council—aside from the Queen Bee, of course—cast her gaze to the table or the ceiling, refusing to make eye contact.

  “You don’t belong here.” Rosemary motioned toward an intern standing by the wall. “Bring the grimoire. The binding will happen immediately.”

  “This isn’t a high school clique.” Crimson’s voice pitched in panic. “It’s a coven, and I’m a witch—I belong.”

  A young woman laid a thick volume on the table, and Laila rested her hand on the wooden cover. “The binding spell in this book is permanent.” She looked at Rosemary. “Are you sure you want to do this to her?”

  The priestess sneered. “Absolutely positive. It’s past time a threat like her was neutralized.”

  A threat? Seriously, what did this woman have against her? Rosemary had always been a snob, but the moment she was elected high priestess, she’d made it her mission to make Crimson’s life miserable. Crimson could admit she wasn’t the best at casting spells. On her deathbed, her mother had unbound all of her magic in a rush. Crimson was just a child, and something had gone wrong. It was the only explanation for her skewed magic, and it wasn’t her fault.

  The other witches took pity on Crimson, which annoyed the hell out of her, but Rosemary treated her like a mangy mutt who wouldn’t get off her doorstep.

  “Let’s see. Where is that spell? Oh, here it is.” The priestess tugged on a ribbon and opened the book to the exact page.

  “You had it bookmarked?” Crimson gasped.

  Rosemary knew. She knew she’d find a way to force the council to agree with her—to at least not oppose her. She always did. The coven trembled in fear with Rosemary as their leader, and her reign of terror needed to end.

  Fisting her hands at her sides, Crimson stood and summoned her courage—or maybe her stupidity—the jury was still out on that one—and sent her words up in prayer. “In the name of the goddess Morrigan, I denounce your authority and hereby invoke the Supremacy Challenge Law.”

  Rosemary scoffed. “You can’t do that. You’re on trial.”

  Crimson lifted her chin defiantly and pressed her palms together. “Morrigan, goddess of battle and sovereignty, with your blessing, I call for the Supremacy Challenge to be granted.”

  The lights flickered, the energy in the room growing electric as a silence descended so deafening you could have heard a leprechaun scratch his ass. Crimson’s arm hairs stood on end, and no one dared utter a breath as the goddess’ decision charged the air.

  In unison, every mouth in the room opened and said, “So mote it be.” A collective gasp followed the proclamation, and Crimson’s head spun like she was on a merry-go-round at top speed.

  What had she done?

  Rosemary stared blankly ahead, her eyes wide as hula hoops, no doubt in just as much shock as Crimson that the goddess granted her request. A Supremacy Challenge hadn’t been issued in the past hundred years, and now Crimson of all people was to go up against the high priestess in a battle of magical skill?

  What the hell was she thinking?


  This pairing was like a chihuahua versus a pit bull. It didn’t matter how much fight Crimson had in her, Rosemary would chew her up and spit her out like a stick of Fruit Stripe gum.

  Laila took the grimoire and turned to a page in the back. “When the goddess grants a Supremacy Challenge request, the two witches will go head-to-head in a battle of magic. The winner will be high priestess of the coven, while the loser will have her powers bound for life and be exiled from the city, never to associate with another witch again. According to tradition, you have one month to prepare for the challenge.” She looked at Crimson. “And you can’t channel another witch’s magic to win.”

  “I suggest you keep your head down for the next thirty days.” Rosemary stood. “Your witching days are over. This meeting is adjourned.”

  As the witches filed out of the great room, Crimson sank into her chair, chewing the inside of her cheek and stewing over her predicament. What in the goddess’ name did she think would happen when she called for a challenge like that?

  Well, for one, she didn’t think the goddess would actually grant it. And channeling was her inborn gift. How was she to know she wouldn’t be allowed to use the only magic that consistently worked for her? Not that it would matter. She’d need to channel the goddess herself to win this, which she should have been able to do if her magic hadn’t glitched when her mother unbound it.

  If this wasn’t incentive to hit the books and study, she didn’t know what was. Her spells worked sometimes. She’d just have to make sure those sometimes happened during the challenge.